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Step 6. Dos and Don’ts
There is a laundry list of things that you could do, should do, want to do, can’t do, and should not do. The complicated part is figuring out which is which. Something’s that seem like a good idea might actually make finding your loved one more difficult. However, some things that you think someone else is doing or that you shouldn’t do may be the very thing that brings closure.
There is no magic formula. What works in one situation may not work in another and thus the dos and don’ts are meant to be a guidance verses a hard and fast rule.
The DON’Ts
6.1. Don’t clean – if there is a mess or things out of place, make a note of it and give those notes to the investigators. Cleaning could destroy finger prints or other
evidence.
6.2. Don’t call a private investigator right away. There may come a time for them but often they can impede the investigation and they may also not have your interest at
heart and feed you what you want to hear rather than the facts. (See notes in Step 5.5 and Step 7.4 )
6.3. Don’t make up things – If your not sure about something preface your comment with “I am not 100% sure but I think …….”
6.4. Don’t allow others to make up things. Many people will sincerely want to help. But if they are not sure about something it could lead the investigation in the wrong
and time consuming effort direction.
6.5. Don’t freak-out or get upset when you’re identified as a suspect. If you had nothing to do with the disappearance then you have nothing to fear.
6.6. Don’t be quick to accuse others, even if the media or the authorities accuse them. Sometimes the authorities use false accusations and information as they try
to flush out the truth
6.7. Don’t do nothing. Don’t isolate yourself. Your help is needed! Plus, for your mental health and welfare you need to stay involved.
6.8. Don’t be a doormat. Sometimes investigators, especially for adult missing persons where no foul play is evident, will tell you there is nothing they can do.
They may tell you that all they can do is wait for a few days. That is crap… is it true that adults sometimes just need time away and so they leave without notice?
Yes! But equally, if not more true, are the unwilling disappearances of adults.
6.9. Don’t interfere with the investigation. You and others calling the investigators every couple hours will not help.
6.10. Do not quit your job. Most employers are very understanding ask for some time off. Ask for a temporary reduction in your hours and responsibility if you need
to. Your employer needs you and you need them. It is amazing how bills accumulate and get behind when you are in distress.
6.11. Do not make major or life altering decisions while you’re still in distress.
6.12. Do not fill the void left by the missing loved one with a poor or destructive behavior. Gambling, drinking, drugs, etc can quickly become a way to ease the pain but
they are not a lasting or healthy alternative to healing the correct way over time.
6.13. Do not write checks for the missing persons account without getting advice from a lawyer and/or an accountant.
6.14. Do not deposit or cash the missing persons checks without getting advice from a lawyer and/or an accountant
6.15. Don’t go it alone. Find a close friend to lean on, get counseling, see your minister.
6.16. Do not lose hope. Not knowing what happened can eat at your mind like a tumor. Keep hoping for the truth.
I REPEAT
Don’t go it alone!! Find a close friend to lean on, get counseling, see your minister.
Do not lose hope!!!! Keep hoping for the truth.
The Do’s
6.15. Do Pray
6.16. Do ask others to pray and to tell as many others as possible to pray also. The more people that know about your missing loved one the better. Never
underestimate the power of prayer.
6.17. Do buy lots of tissues. Tears and emotions will hit you in waves. It’s OK. Let it out.
6.18. Do let the authorities know about any health issues or concerns the missing person may have. The health matters may help you convince the authorities to get
involved as well as help lead to finding them.
6.19. Do be aware that sometimes the authorities use false accusations and information as they try to flush out the truth
6.20. Do be aware that the authorities, in order to find your missing loved one, may not tell you everything they know or suspect.
6.21. Do keep journals. I recommend that you keep two. One to write about the steps that have been taken and other information directly related to the efforts
around finding your missing loved one. The second should be about how your dealing with it. What your feeling. Record when you cry and what triggered your
tears.
6.22. Do stay busy. Not just with the activities around the missing person, stay busy with some of your normal routines.
6.23. Do make and distribute posters and flyers. Have the authorities help you with the layout of the material.
6.24. Do get some legal and financial advice if the missing loved one is an adult and the investigation begins going into weeks. You need good advice about how to handle
things. Expenses will add up very quickly.
6.25. Do patiently hope. Not knowing what happened can eat at your mind like a tumor. Keep hoping for the truth.
6.26. Do grieve - whether it has been a day, week, or month you have experienced a loss. Grieving is a vital part of healing and keeping you life together.
6.27. Do Search the web for help. There are some good sites with tips and advice ranging from your well being to assistance with locating a missing person.
Caution: There are those that would prey on your vulnerability. Be cautious!!
6.28. Do ask others for their opinions about websites, PI’s, other offers of help that ask you for your personal information, banking info, money, etc.
6.29. Do look at photos that contain the missing persons possessions in the back ground. Are the items still there?
6.30. Do look again and again for what items may really be missing. Ask other relatives to help determine what might be missing. When my parents went missing I
thought only a few things were gone. With the exception of their car, logic said that the missing things were trivial and could have either broke or been thrown
away prior to their disappearance. As it turns out, in addition to my parents and the few obvious items there were over 100 other items taken. NOTE: When an
adult and their vehicle is missing you will have a hurdle to overcome in your trying to convince the police that an investigation needs to be launched. This is
because they assume the missing person is out driving the vehicle and by their own choice have decided not to communicate with you. Pinpointing other ACTUAL
missing items ( do not make things up) could help convince the police that foul play was involved, or that their help is needed. With missing children you typically
do not have to deal with as much convincing. However, because of their independence, persuasive evidence could be required before the authorities help with
missing teens and adults.
6.31. Do look at records and recent receipts for items purchased and are those items still there? In the case of my parents we found a receipt from their grocery trip that
morning and we could not find the A&W bottled root-beer they had purchased. We thought nothing of it. During the trial the criminals confessed to drinking them
and tossing the bottles out on the road side within a mile from the house. During our 12 month search we never looked for A&W root beer bottles, which would
have had finger prints. I now wish we had.
6.32. Do get legal advice before signing any contracts OR posting notices with rewards. If you explain the situation you should be able to find a lawyer who will help you
at a discounted rate.
6.33. Do stay connected to friends and family.
6.34. Do seek professional help if you feel depressed
6.35. Do get as much help and support as you can with the investigation and with your well being.
6.36. Do get advice from a lawyer and/or accountant before paying any of the missing persons bills or depositing their checks
6.37. Do get advice from a lawyer and/or accountant how to handle all expenses related to the search for and reward for the missing person
6.38. Do get advice from a lawyer and/or accountant about how to handle the affairs of the missing person while they are missing. Mortgage, rent, car payments,
income, ect will need a plan for handling them within 30 days of the persons disappearance. |
Step 6. Dos and Don'ts
